Deja Vu

So, things are good. We make it just fine on the day to day level. But mention the date, and several people's heads threaten to spontaneously combust. Josh is having an especially stressful school semester, and every moment that takes me deeper into this sweat tricklingly uncomfortable summer makes sleep less likely for me. It's going to be rough trying to cope with the stress of finding a job, the stress of my last 6 years of work being over, the stress of my children spending more time with someone else than at home, the stress of knowing it's my last chance to do anything during the week (like visit my grandmother), and the exhaustion and, oh-let's not forget STRESS of gearing up for not only the annual Japanese Festival, but also a visit from our parent group in Japan. Oh, and did I mention the special guests for J-Fest? No pressure.

My self esteem is in shreds. I have a history of never being any good at anything. Yes, I finally got into Chamber Choir in high school my senior year, but it was only because I showed up and worked hard. And here I am again, with taiko. And these, Folks, are my strengths! My successes! Oh, I could cry.

I went out to pass around some applications and resume-type thingies on Tuesday. How humbling. The lady who was nicest was actually at Lindenwood - where I actually DO want to work. But she wasn't really the one in charge of that. Not to mention that they don't really have an opening for staff right now. The other places were okay, but I always felt like I didn't have the script. Or that mine was for a different play. The last place I went was the job I actually thought I would be just right for. The lady there just took one look at me, and I knew it was a waste of my time. I don't know what I didn't have that I should, but she was not in favor of me in any way. Wrong shoes?

Needless to say, I've gotten no calls. I'm back to searching listings of open positions.

Oh! I had intended to stop and grab a bubble tea on the way to taiko, but forgot. Michelle wasn't ready when I got to her house, so I waited outside for 10 minutes. It's pretty hot this week.

We went to 6 Flags yesterday! It was great fun! Well, my back wasn't great, but I really enjoyed the first half of the day, for sure. Then I was feeling sore, and after that, sore and cranky, but it was still a good day. I'd never done the Scooby Doo water ride where you shoot stuff. Fun!

I do have some awesome news: My cousin and her husband are headed to Hawaii! They had some immigration headaches, but are finally going to live together, now that he has been given his visa!

Tomorrow, I think I'm going to make this new recipe I found for zucchini casadillas. I'll tell you how it goes.

Saturday is a birthday party for a friend of ours. Josh will have to work. Then, Sunday, my grandmother is having the 4th of July fried chicken! Josh will have to work. Tuesday, my mother's dogs come for another extended visit.

That reminds me. I really need to clean the house.

Anyway, I am exhausted, and pretty disappointed that I can't seem to do anything better. Maybe sleep will help. Do you think so? Let's find out.

Raindrops on Roses....

Okay. We need a break. Here are some things that are NOT about taiko or resumes or employment rejection or things that are still lost. Nice things. VERY nice things:

Cadbury milk chocolate.

Jasmine/strawberry bubble tea made at RealiTea.

Hugs from Grant.

Pictures in crayon.

The part of Abbie's dance song where all the girls hold hands - they giggle every time!

My electric blanket.

Packages in the mail.

50 cent jig, by Cora Smyth.

Tomatoes.

Books.

Soprano duet from "Les Contes d'Hoffmann" by Offenbach.

Purple (I refuse to call it "red") clover.

Rain storms.

Wallace and Gromit.

My china.

Taking pictures of your wonderful life, so you can live it again.

You guys.

Song of the day: Put Your Records On, by Corinne Baily Rae

(Go have a listen)

So much.

I have so many things to say, I'm really kind of bursting with words. I don't think they will all end up here, though.

Most readily on my mind, now, is REAL. Real people. I have known my share of people who are trying to pretend to be something. Wealthy is the main one. And why? What is the point of that? It's just a lot of making friends you can't keep up with, really. And I've hung out with the guy you are pretending to be, and you know what? He likes to keep things simple. So, you're not even getting it right. Another one is Young And Single. Okay, if you aren't single and you're trying to act like a single person....there's someone near by with a good reason to be pissed off. And youth...is not worth imitating. And then you get into a room full of truly common people who are all trying to act like they are young and single and wealthy and it just makes me want to...leave, mostly. There are better things out there.

Me. I am a real person. I like what I like, and I don't shop for my ideas in the recycle bin. Just because They like it, doesn't make it good. But don't get me wrong. I'm not antagonistic. I'm not going to avoid something because They approve of it. I'm going to decide for myself. Sometimes we will agree. Sometimes not.

Anyway, I got off track. I was going to talk about pretending to be something else. Usually I don't feel like I've been doing that, even subconsciously. But today...I was applying for jobs. I wrote my most aggressive cover letter to date. It feels...wrong. Like it was by someone else. I read it over the phone to my mom, and she loved it. I am not sure I'm pleased. The one thing I fear is that someone will hire me and then be sorry they did, so I try very hard to avoid mis-advertising. Well. I can't see this place calling me in, anyway. Maybe that's why I finally decided to send it anyway.

I've been a little off since my return from vacation. I have a sinus infection, but that doesn't really count for all of it. I lost something of great sentimental value, too. I think about it practically all the time. Very upsetting.

Abbie's dance recital is this coming Saturday. Today we had another T-ball AND dance night, but it is the last one. Dance will be over for the summer after the recital. I'm hoping the schedule will be a tiny bit easier at that point.

Boy, am I starting to be tired! I was going to tell you all about vacation, too. And my friends who are off to England for 6 months. And about Brother and the job hunt. And about the kids and how cute they've been and stuff.

Well...another time. Special hugs to my 3 friends who are expecting babies! Yay for good news. And hugs also to my 2 friends who got married this month. And even more hugs to the ones who I will be seeing be married later this summer! And a hug for Trish, just 'cause.

So...sleepy.

Good night.