Colder on the Inside

This February has been colder on the inside.  Weather-wise, you see, it has been moderate.  Possibly even "unseasonably warm".  This February, though, has found other ways to get us.

First of all, I am trying very hard not to lose patience with Josh.  I know it must be hard to work full time and take classes.  However, I cannot make myself think that he is really a college student.  I know you are scowling in disapproval at my saying it, but I really can't help it.  I went to college.  I sat in classes.  I walked in all weathers.  I was homesick.  Yes, that's "went" to college stuff.  But how about the just college stuff?  I bought a blue book for nearly every test.  You know what that means?  It means short answer.  It means writing a sentence that sounds like it came from a college student, not a kid.  It means a certain standard.  It also means a lot of reading, and a lot of remembering.  Josh has his books read TO him online.  His tests are multiple choice.  And he doesn't read.  He just has the book next to him when he does homework or tests.  And you know what else?  He'll have a specialized degree, and I won't.  It's his last semester.  I'm sick and tired of the complaining.  First of all, if you are a senior, it is SUPPOSED TO BE HARD.  Second of all, my Freshman work was that hard, so I don't wanna hear it.

But I am still trying like hell to be supportive.  He also has a lot of work that he has to do at home.  I, as you may recall, have been helping with that.  However, he gave the kids new chores to do this week, and I can't help but notice that they are the ones he was supposed to be doing all this time (not that he did).

Well, all of that is an undercurrent.  We maintain, like we always have.  No big changes have occurred. 

Not so, my friends.

An old friend of mine announced yesterday that his mother died.  I'd met her, years ago.  It's very sad, because he was one of those guys who was a grown-up long before he graduated high school, and I think he defined himself a great deal by how he took care of his mother.

Even sadder, a sweet man, who I wish I knew better, recently lost his wife.  His facebook posts are real tear jerkers. 

I guess I've finally achieved the age where my friends' husbands and wives die.  It's awful to think of.  Worse than divorces, really.  Sorrow and grief are just so much harder to turn into motivation than anger is.

Such a nice man.  Such a nice family.  4 very sweet kids.  I thought so when we all ran into each other at the store a few years ago, but didn't pursue the friendship.  Really, he was Josh's friend, but Josh always pursues friendships in the same way.  He says, "Give me a call sometime!"  If he gets a call, they hang out.  If not, he just thinks of them fondly from afar.  I am the inviting sort.  How did we ever get married?

Speaking of inviting, Look what I've got:   http://www.marylandheights.com/index.aspx?page=613

Please come, it will be a great festival.  It's free, you know, and family friendly. 


A little introspection is a good thing, especially on Ash Wednesday.  Whatever your beliefs, it is healthy to consider the excesses of your life, the need of the lives of others, and contemplate changes you can make that could benefit both.  Or even just to ask yourself, "Am I the best person I could be, given what I am and what I have?"

Me?  No.  Not really.  I could do more.  I could give more.  I could complain less.  I could resent less.  I could reproach less.

I think I am a reproachful parent.  I try to avoid violent explosions of temper.  I try to praise the positive.  I could be better.

We've already addressed that I'm a crappy wife.

Apparently, I am also a bad daughter.  See, Josh is taking me to Baltimore for our anniversary.  It's the first trip we've taken together since we moved to MO.  Josh made all the arrangements, and possibly from lack of experience, didn't make them in the optimal order.  When my mom called and I told her, she assumed the only reason I told her was so that she would watch the kids.  I assumed that Mariah would be doing that, mainly.  I guess I shouldn't have called until that was all settled.  Enough of that for now.  She also cancelled a lunch with her friend because I am going to Rolla on Friday.  See?  You didn't believe me, but it's true.

You know what?  I'm going to go.  I think I need to lie down.  I've been busy with research, newsletters, PR stuff, web site feedback, Josh's survey, checking homework, helping with music lessons, laundry, cooking, and all my own stuff.  Maybe I'm not so much contemplative as I am cranky and sensitive.

Let's try this again later.