False Friends

First off, I'm cold, and I'm annoyed that my back didn't recover yet. I didn't do anything, took Motrin, slept on a real bed...but it's still hurting. And there is one other thing, too. Why should I waste affection on people who really don't give a shit about me?

I know that I once said that someone doesn't need to love you back for you to love them. However, that is assuming that the object of your affection is in some way worthy. But if you've been wasting thoughts and cares and worry and real, loyal, Love on a person who doesn't even count you among his/her friends and is also the kind of person you wouldn't waste time on if you first met them - it's still not too late. Maybe your love is based on experiences so far in the past that they no longer apply to either of you. (We are certainly not who we were in high school - none of us.) Or maybe you loved the person for someone else's sake. Whatever the reason, it's an act of foolishness to be so emotionally involved with someone who really shouldn't rate more than basic cordiality.

I plan to only make real effort for those of my acquaintance who truly enjoy and value me. And if you can't somehow let me know that you are on that list, then demotion is your return. Vague fondness will replace true interest.

Sorry. That wasn't meant to be addressed to you personally. (Although a note to say hello wouldn't hurt.) The people to whom that was directed don't actually read it. Well, I would be surprised, anyway. Come to think of it, though, I really don't know who does. Besides the people who write back, I mean. (Love you, Trish!!)

Yeah. I guess the part of having friends who have always been talented and clever and beloved is that you automatically become the material for comparison...and then you don't compare. The un-beautiful one. The un-smart one. The un-talented one. The un-sweet one. The un-clever one. The un-charming one. The un-impressive one. Geez! Why do any of you speak to me at all?? :P

Anyway, let's drink a toast to old friends who really are where they should be....in the background. It may sound pretty unlike me. It sounds horrible and cold, actually. But I feel like a cartoon character pouring out heartfelt friendship on everyone and receiving nothing but falseness and an occasional poorly concealed laugh behind my back. I will save it, instead, for people like Dave.

Dave thought he couldn't have kids, so when his wife got pregnant, they were through the roof! But she lost it. Their second pregnancy seemed to go okay, until they found an umbilical cord defect, and spent the entire second half worrying about whether the baby would live. To everyone's relief, she did. Now Dave's wife is expecting again...but there are even worse problems this time, and an equally bad, and more certain outlook. For this couple, I am wishing a normal, happy, comfortable pregnancy, complete with a completely healthy and happy infant at the end of it. Nothing in my whole life seems the least bit inconvenient when I think of what they have faced, what they are now facing.

I have no attention to waste on the self absorbed and the immature.

I think Thanksgiving was difficult for my mother in a lot of ways. She's been working two jobs, and has been very frustrated and tired. She also is still no longer smoking. Thanksgiving is an occasion when even her brothers who don't normally smoke bum cigarettes off each other. Not having "been there", I can only speculate on how agonizing that must be.

I'm not buying Christmas cards this year..I'm making them. I drew some sketches, and am going to mail them as cards. Nothing spectacular, sadly, but adequate, I guess. And the price is right.

Also, I wrote a little note with pictures that "Callie" is sending to the Humane Society she lived at. Usually I think that notes from animals is a little too cutesy, but I figured it was the appropriate thing to these particular girls and in this particular situation.

I miss my real friends. I feel very isolated out here. And I don't have that proud love of my house anymore. It has been abused by Josh and by the kids, and the yard treated neglectfully and it shows. I spent a lot of energy and trouble making it look nice, but the only one who thought that was worth protecting was me. And wasn't it bad luck that we bought it mere months before the housing market fell through! Now, even if we moved, we could only afford a much worse house. To make up for all that...you should come and visit.

I should cheer up. I am cranky. But I won't be able to play much taiko tonight. And when I decided I would make coffee cake to make me feel all better, it occurred to me that I can't bend to get it in and out of the oven. CURSES! I am thwarted.

Wanna hear something weird? Josh's cousin posted pictures online of a friend's new baby. And that baby is my neighbor. No kidding!!! It's the family who lives across from the bus stop. We like them a lot. I was going to visit the new baby, but it was born right as I was getting strep. Josh's cousin doesn't live in the area, but I'm hoping that this will make for a fun topic of conversation at Mandatory Christmas No. 2.

Josh's family was asking about Christmas ideas, and I said, "Why don't we all just bring food and board games! My kids don't need anything." So, at Thanksgiving they decided that everyone must bring a white elephant gift, and draw one name per family member (even the kids this year) with a dollar amount to also buy gifts for. And bring food. Conversely, my mom and dad and brother are meeting with my aunt and uncle in Texas for Christmas.

I had the idea of a Christmas tea. Instead of doing any of that other stuff, my house will be open on one day from 3:30 - 7:00 and I will provide treats, healthy and unhealthy, cider, juice and tea. Those who are really interested in seeing us will come. No gifts will be exchanged. Games will be played on a voluntary basis, and Christmas music will be played. I have every intention of implementing it. Maybe next year, even. You are invited.

Well, I can't make coffee cake, but I do have a few slices of cinnamon bread left that I can reach. That sounds almost as good. Things are looking up!

Wow! It's cold out there. I wish you all warm beverages and an easy day.